Venting, It'd be wrong for you to judge but you will anyways, huh?

There isn’t a better way I can say what I have to say. I want to explode with what I have to say and yet I have nothing. I want explain every vivid yet undefined line in my life. Usually I hit something when I’m irritated when I’m frustrated or confused I break things, and I hurt people. But I don’t want to do anything like that right now. Because technically this is my entire fault what ever “it” is.

“They” say you should talk to some one when you’re hurt or confused…but what happens if every ear is open to you and you don’t want to use it. They give advice that I don’t want, in the end I know myself better than anyone else, I will be polite shake my head and say thank you but I’ll never think again of what they said. I have amazing people in my life and yet, I can’t look at them without turning my head when their eyes beg me to tell them what’s wrong but I can’t open up to tell them what level of my game I am on.

I feel stupid on top of that complaining when other people have their own problems that are far bigger than my own.

Lately stress has been my middle name, I had no idea what that was until recently…what stress was. Maybe I had discovered a certain degree of it at some point but I never felt this way before.

I live by a certain phrase, Ha, I try to remember it most of the time anyone asks what my favorite quote is. “Every thing happens for a reason”- I try to live by that and not ask questions. But today, I feel like I want answers. I don’t want to ask questions I want answers as to why things turn out the way they do. I want to know why you try and nothing happens. Or when you do try and you work your ass off and try to make the outcome good nothing happens.

People say good things happen to those that deserve it. Am I not a good person, do I cuss too much? Do I act like a Bitch to much? Was I really that disrespectful? Hell, I shouldn’t be bitching right now I shouldn’t be complaining. But what the fuck…I’m going to and it won’t be pretty at all. I’d advise you to stop reading right now if you don’t want to read negative shit anymore.

Getting into college, awesome right? Most amazing time of my life right? Grand ol’ time up with the kids that I’ll be living with for the next 4 years. Ha, what the fuck is all that supposed to mean? What if you can’t even get that far? What do you tell people then? “Hey guess what guys!? I got into college but I can’t go because I didn’t work hard enough!”

DDG and my mom are damn amazing people bending over backwards at any given time. I love and respect that about them. What happens when they can no longer help. What happens when they have did every thing they could do? This is were I have discovered my passion. Being a “fuck up”. I am upset with myself for ever getting my goddamn hopes up….what was I expecting, shit to be handed to me? Stupid son of a bitch is what I am. I’ll sit here and I’ll bring myself down and you guys just read it and shake your heads and sit there and try to figure out where I am coming from. I should have tried harder. I should have tried my ass off instead of dickin’ around. Instead now I have to deal with what I haven’t.

People say “hey if St.Joe’s doesn’t work out for you go to community college?” Not to sound rude but Ill tell you my point after I ask if you are retarded. Community college is a fine way to go. But, I’ll be a bitch and say fuck it. I’ll tell you why now, if I was back in Washington, that is where I would be going to college, green river community college to be exact (going to college just to say I went not really wanting to go becuase I wanted to keep my track up of being a fuck up). When I came out here I told myself that I wasn’t going to turn out to be a dip shit and end up like my dad, I wanted better for myself, I was in the right situtaion to do this I had the suppourt I never had and the people in my life that i wish I had alwasy had. I was going to work my ass off to get into a 4 year college and I was going to prove to every one I was better than what I would have been in Washington…I can tell you this…this was my best year of high school. I worked hard maybe not as hard as I could have and I try and I did partly almost my best. All to watch my shit fall. That is why I will not go to community college. Because I thought I could watch my dreams be bigger than what they used to be. Look at me know folks. THIS IS NO ONES FAULT BESIDES MY OWN. I should have been working at top speed and not been stupid. Again, what was I expecting shit to be handed to me…and this is where I kid myself. I thought I was smart…I thought I was good and better than anything. Ha look how stupid I am now.

Mom and DDG, thank you so much for every thing you have ever given me and done and I’m sorry I shoved a lot of my responsibilities onto you guys. You never deserved that.

Talking to people about my problems gets me absolutely no where, so what better way to solve them then write about them. Better yet why not post them for the whole goddamned world to read…ha, if I’m going to go big might as well go big and loud. What the hell do I do know. I’m at a lose because of my own stupidity. Haha, so I’ll sit here with a dumb ass smirk on my face and act like I might get over it but common’ who doesn’t love a teenager who likes to sit around and be a fuck up.

I am one of those people that holds their problems in until they can no longer be held in, so what I am doing right now if you will, is called “venting”.

Ask anyone, I am usually one of the most positive people you could ever meet. I can give advice like you wouldn’t believe and I love to help out with problems. I could do it for a living listen to people and help them, because I care. But when it comes to me, haha good luck with kicking me back up. I try so hard to look at every situation and say “yes! It will happen and you have to believe it!” Now, I can do this for anyone and help them go their way and help them see what they need to do in order to make a dream or a possibility go their way. I would bend over for anyone to show them that I cared and that they can do whatever they set their mind to. Now look at me.

Take my own advice…? Dreams don’t happen to people that no longer believe in them. I was stupid and thought I could steal third. I guess I didn’t look at the pitcher in time to know he had is eye on me the whole time.

I hate to type and complain and who knows what you are thinking…that I’m crazy or I’m stupid… or maybe you feel bad. But I don’t want you to think any of that. This is me venting…judge me for what I put out here because hell it’s the only thing you have to go off of. Just know that this is venting. I don’t want anyone’s help. I don’t want advice, trust me I have best friends and I have gotten it out. I just have to sit and sweat it out now I guess.

Thanks for reading the shit,

Meg