Hearts In A Couple Peices.

I got out of work this morning. Bitching, at the world at my car at the stupid floor cleaners for having to wax and screw up my blocking rituals. Bitching at my car (not mine but my mothers) for drinking an unknown fluid. Bitching about Pauly Pocket for not having told me his “grand ol’ news” earlier. Bitching about Tom and how he didn’t say but 5 words to me at work. Mad that Eddie wasn’t there to call me princess, mad I couldn’t go down to get my brother with my parents. Bitch Bitch bitch, about MONEY…god the money. I wish I had enough to shove in peoples mouths to make them shut up. Put up. And go away. Bitching about anything and everything. Just not a happy camper. Because I have so much to BITCH about. I walk into my house. Climbing the damn steps, pretty sure I bitched about the steps being to large for my harley of an ass to go up. Complaining the whole way. I get to the computer and the first thing I always do is go to my moms blog. Just to see what’s going on. The first words I see are of Joshua’s, I of course want to turn away because even though I never knew this big brother of mine, I can’t handle reading about him. It hurts and I don’t know why. I have no reason for it to hurt. But I read. I cried…And cried. I think when I finally got to his picture I walked down stairs and cried into my pillow. I complain all night about everything I have. I come home to read this post that breaks my heart but at the same time makes me want to hug my mom.

She’s been through a lot. I have tried. I have prayed even though I don’t know who to any more, but I do only hope for the best. Even when she hurts my feelings, or hurts my ego, I hit the center of the earth today. My petty problems are my own. I’ll figure out how to deal. But my mom, got a gift. That dream. It breaks my heart that I could never meet this amazing child but I can’t stop crying. For once, I am beside myself and speechless. I pray this is what is needed to help her. I also pray once again to I don’t know who, that my big brother is the angle for all of us.

I don’t have much else to say, but after a 30 minute cry and a walk to clear my eyes. I actually opened up to the sun today. I have nothing to complain about. Not now. Not for a while. Now I’m just amazed.

Love you Joshy.